2010

i have nineteen hours until the ball drop. my last blog of the year 2010, and i would like to go over my full year with you, followers. reveal and open up to some of my memories and secrets. by far, 2010 was the most defining year of my life.
mommie, you've changed my life. i no longer have the same strut, same attitude, same life because of you. in so many ways i thank you because of it but at the same time i am upset, although i have no reason to be, i am. you left me here on this Earth, by myself, to suffer. i have been suffering through finding myself. the balance of being a matured teenager and having to fill the shoes of a grown and successful woman. finding a new path in life because the one i had was shattered, i've lost my footing so many times this year. taking steps back to only have to take a million steps forward. changing my mind constantly and making sure i am making the right decisions. because unlike others who have shoulders to lean on and arms to fall in, i don't. one mistake can cost me my living and i can not afford to lose that. who am i to turn to? with the hard came the good, i became a better young woman, sexy and classy with the love of socializing and beauty. Missy J. Dollface. Mom, she's beautiful, strong and confident in her step. She's a browner version of you. She's fulfilling to the eye and holds her tongue and strike intelligently. Mommie, she's BADD AS HELL. i know i'm talking as if you haven't been watching me, you know ALL of this. but i still feel a sense of comfort letting you know directly, i guess. with my ups and my downs i have found friendship, love, and a life worth living after you.
joshua ryan sharpe. baby, I LOVE YOU. i made the biggest mistake of my life when i declined God's most precious gift. i was so against abortion but i still chose to abort you. thinking unclear and only making sure ONE PERSON was happy. but that's neither here nor there, i take full blame for your abortion. i wear that guilt on my chest and mind everyday. clearly unaware of the beauty that was growing inside of my stomach. i claimed you mine and that you should have been. then, i was so scared. now, i embrace you. you weren't my mistake and you still aren't. i am no longer muted of you, i speak of you loud and clearly. YES, I was impregnated at 18-years-old. YES, I aborted you. NO, i will NEVER EVER forget you, baby boy. you are a reason i have to better myself. to give your brothers and sister a life i was unable to give you. hope one day, maybe eight years from now you come back to me in the form of two boys. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE my "first born". i love you, peekachoo.
my friends are another reason. before 2010, i had no friends. if it wasn't my boyfriend i was in the house. now i have ladies in my life that i consider family. women i can call to go to the mall, vent to, smile with and just text. Vickie, I love her. Even through my many "fed up text messages", she listened, gave advice and didn't really judge when i was back at it. wished me the best and hoped i didn't make the same mistakes. malled with me. my twin, hands down. make-up sessions. Jour, the girl i can just facebook IM and start cursing and fussing and she'll let me get it out then talk to me. lol, the sarcastic ass grandma that i've grown to love since Rutgersfest! lol, i love youuuu betchh. Indy, my VirgoDivaaaa. i love her, eventhough we fuss, a sister is what she'll remain. most of the time, i wouldn't mind wringing her neck. but all in all, she means a lot to me. she's my partier when i really need that dance session. Leesh, Cryss, Elysaaaa, Candy. just because I didn't write a script, does not mean i don't love you just the same. I love you beautiees. with my heart and i found women to remain my friends, to be bridesmaids, godmothers and aunties. my lifetimes.
2010, you screwed me over. dealt me punches and almost knocked me square on my ass but with the help of the Good Lord Jesus Christ, I'm making it through. I almost gave up and threw in my cards. Almost decided living wouldn't matter one way or the other, but I am HERE. striding, pushing, and loving into the new year. I welcome you with boxing gloves and a smile, 2011. I can say I am almost ready to see what you have in store for me. I hope it is success, love and happiness.

for now, let's drinkkkk! ;) - happy new year!

conceited?

my boyfriend and i was on our way to Sonic when the topic of conceitedness came up. i informed him just how much i hate conceited guys and how i never pay him a compliment because his head gets gassed and i want to choke his ego 97 percent of the time. he admits he's kind of conceited but mostly conceited about his hair. *angry face*. then he flips and tells me, "i am conceited". now, i know and people who knows me know that i am thee furthest thing from conceited. i do believe i'm beautiful. i do believe i'm pretty. and thangs of that nature, but i simply don't go around flaunting how remarkably beautiful i am. it's just something i never did. so he brings up my name "Missy Dollface". it's subliminal, he says. I don't! ... I do believe my make-up portrays a doll. and i have a face. doll-face. Dollface. i never saw it as a way of saying i'm beautiful. my make-up is beautiful. my make-up isn't me. I am me, the natural me, the me with no make-up. the raccoon eyes, blemishes everywhere me. and that me is pretty. so, Missy Dollface is not Jaz and Jaz isn't Missy Dollface. kinda. my alter-ego is a bad bitch. and Jaz is a badder bitch. one way or the other, you can't go wrong with which one you date. but Jaz nor Missy D. is conceited, and if my confidence seems to portray Conceited theennnnnnnn, so be it? one way or the other, I will forever claim, preach and justify my non-conceited assness =D ...

"She's Michael Jackson bad."
Missy Jaz Dollface . <3

Christmas 2010

even though this year has been sucky for me, i am grateful for the people that I surround myself with on a regular basis. the people who helps me through my moods and don't take much of what i say personally when i'm upset. I am thankful. i can say the people i have in my life now, are my forevers.

Christmas. it use to mean soooooo much to me, I use to be so excited. but just as the excitement came, it went. Christmas meant more than gifts. it meant, waking up to my mother opening my door singing 'It's Christmas'. waking up to ALL the gifts that just appeared under the tree. sitting in the living room with the tree lights on. handing my mom the gift she really didn't care for but accepted it because that's what made us happy. her face was my Christmas, her handing me gifts with no name on them and the same wrapping and knew which belongs to which. wondering how the hell she did that? SHE was my Christmas.

Funny how childhood things come to an end, my first Christmas was when I was 9 and my last Christmas was at 18. ... psh, time flies.

I love you so Much, mommie. Rest In Peace, Christmas.

10 months, did it go by THAT FRICKIN FAST? smh

MY Christmas 2010.

lucky me.

girl: "i want to be thick just like you".

me: "really? girl, i'm fat."

girl: "NO, you're thick. when i saw you i said, i want her curves."

me: "thank you."

girl: "if my boyfriend ever saw you, he'll lose it. he loves girls thick just like that".

me: *big blush* "thank you".

last time i looked in the mirror, i saw all the places i could cut off my body. spring and summer, i was gorgeous. figured, but little. i loved it. as winter curved around, my curves got bigger and bigger to where my pokey came back and my thighs took up ALL the space in my jeans. my hips spread as though they were getting ready for a little baby. i felt so humongous. getting dressed is no longer an option. it's time to do something about it.

i walked into my favorite restaurant (Last Legg, Somerset, NJ) and she just restored all my confidence. I was wanting to be some itty bitty i could never pull off. I never knew someone wanted to be MY SIZE for a change. I never saw anyone wanting to be MY SIZE. 

too busy wanting other womens' curves, i forgot there is women AND men out there who loves my curves. Even though, some adjustments has to come, i'm still beautiful. 

ladies, love yourself. i usually practice what i preach. but sometimes, we just need that little umph to remind us, we still got it.

stay fabulous!

stay curvaceous!

STAY THE BIG BONED BEAUTY YOU SHOULD BE!

with that being said, i love me. i love you. just as you are.

naked

she removes her beautiful mask.

first, removing the stain she precisely put on her lips. first her bottom, then her upper.

she washes her face, removing the powder of glamour, the liquid of gorgeous.

she dabs a bit of her remover onto her cotton ball and wipes away the lust of her eyes.

she's bare.

simply awaiting the glance in the mirror.

she smiles.

he simply says "just as i thought, beautiful naked."

she laughs endearingly "yes, it was just make-up".

love your NAKEDness.

model: jour'jour ! <3