2010

i have nineteen hours until the ball drop. my last blog of the year 2010, and i would like to go over my full year with you, followers. reveal and open up to some of my memories and secrets. by far, 2010 was the most defining year of my life.
mommie, you've changed my life. i no longer have the same strut, same attitude, same life because of you. in so many ways i thank you because of it but at the same time i am upset, although i have no reason to be, i am. you left me here on this Earth, by myself, to suffer. i have been suffering through finding myself. the balance of being a matured teenager and having to fill the shoes of a grown and successful woman. finding a new path in life because the one i had was shattered, i've lost my footing so many times this year. taking steps back to only have to take a million steps forward. changing my mind constantly and making sure i am making the right decisions. because unlike others who have shoulders to lean on and arms to fall in, i don't. one mistake can cost me my living and i can not afford to lose that. who am i to turn to? with the hard came the good, i became a better young woman, sexy and classy with the love of socializing and beauty. Missy J. Dollface. Mom, she's beautiful, strong and confident in her step. She's a browner version of you. She's fulfilling to the eye and holds her tongue and strike intelligently. Mommie, she's BADD AS HELL. i know i'm talking as if you haven't been watching me, you know ALL of this. but i still feel a sense of comfort letting you know directly, i guess. with my ups and my downs i have found friendship, love, and a life worth living after you.
joshua ryan sharpe. baby, I LOVE YOU. i made the biggest mistake of my life when i declined God's most precious gift. i was so against abortion but i still chose to abort you. thinking unclear and only making sure ONE PERSON was happy. but that's neither here nor there, i take full blame for your abortion. i wear that guilt on my chest and mind everyday. clearly unaware of the beauty that was growing inside of my stomach. i claimed you mine and that you should have been. then, i was so scared. now, i embrace you. you weren't my mistake and you still aren't. i am no longer muted of you, i speak of you loud and clearly. YES, I was impregnated at 18-years-old. YES, I aborted you. NO, i will NEVER EVER forget you, baby boy. you are a reason i have to better myself. to give your brothers and sister a life i was unable to give you. hope one day, maybe eight years from now you come back to me in the form of two boys. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE my "first born". i love you, peekachoo.
my friends are another reason. before 2010, i had no friends. if it wasn't my boyfriend i was in the house. now i have ladies in my life that i consider family. women i can call to go to the mall, vent to, smile with and just text. Vickie, I love her. Even through my many "fed up text messages", she listened, gave advice and didn't really judge when i was back at it. wished me the best and hoped i didn't make the same mistakes. malled with me. my twin, hands down. make-up sessions. Jour, the girl i can just facebook IM and start cursing and fussing and she'll let me get it out then talk to me. lol, the sarcastic ass grandma that i've grown to love since Rutgersfest! lol, i love youuuu betchh. Indy, my VirgoDivaaaa. i love her, eventhough we fuss, a sister is what she'll remain. most of the time, i wouldn't mind wringing her neck. but all in all, she means a lot to me. she's my partier when i really need that dance session. Leesh, Cryss, Elysaaaa, Candy. just because I didn't write a script, does not mean i don't love you just the same. I love you beautiees. with my heart and i found women to remain my friends, to be bridesmaids, godmothers and aunties. my lifetimes.
2010, you screwed me over. dealt me punches and almost knocked me square on my ass but with the help of the Good Lord Jesus Christ, I'm making it through. I almost gave up and threw in my cards. Almost decided living wouldn't matter one way or the other, but I am HERE. striding, pushing, and loving into the new year. I welcome you with boxing gloves and a smile, 2011. I can say I am almost ready to see what you have in store for me. I hope it is success, love and happiness.

for now, let's drinkkkk! ;) - happy new year!