she's just a messy girl.

"sometimes peoples' opinions about me

 matters, especially when it takes you two

 years to tell me what you really think of me."

practically all of my life, people has looked at me extremely weird. casting their own judgement before even speaking to me. informing me that i was just too tall to be in the 5th grade, or was too thick to wear shorts, or i couldn't hang out with their child because i was too big, i didn't know any better because of my residential address. if you ever knew a "poor little black girl", i am the first generation of them. it wasn't only just my teachers who looked at me like this, it was parents of other children. my mother did her best she can to shield me from this type of hate. tried to explain to me why people were so cruel and didn't accept me. as time went on, i fought back or simply shrugged my shoulders and walked passed it. i was always on defense mode from then on. never letting anything get too close to me. i became a hermit, rather staying in the house. i grew up, things changed, supposedly and i moved on from my horrid childhood years. by high school, it was a few girls who "looked like me" and wasn't cast off or anything like that. as the years passed, i became the runt, the people who looked at me funny, hovered over me. i grew to love being called "shorty".

 i had a conversation with someone who's been in my life two years now and that conversation led me right back to my childhood and reminded me things never really do change. i was told that i wasn't laid back, a "chill, type of person". i was a wild child, all over the place, just someone really messy. i was too loud, i came in your house and i just ran all through it. now, this is someone's mom who's son i dated. - now i'm embarrassed, why? because i never saw myself like that. i never knew i was like that and why did it take you two and a half years to tell me what you've been wanting to tell me for awhile.

i was told that "your mom raised you well but you are just all over the place and a bully to my son. and although ya'll are good together, ya'll are better apart." now, when someone is going to criticize me and make me feel as big as an ant. don't bring my mom into this. SHE has nothing to do with this. honestly, i wanted to cry my heart out but as a DAUGHTER TO MY MOTHER i remained a STRONG young woman. 

now, let me defend my own reputation. i am not a bully nor am i messy. when i walk into anyone's home, i take a seat. i don't move, i'm not loud. when i was a child, i couldn't walk through my own grandmother's house. the only thing i was able to do was pee by myself and even if i took too long doing that i was "checked up on". so i continued that, coming in, speaking to everyone and finding a seat and sitting there. i do it to my best friend, other friends, cousins, strangers, EVERYONE. so as far as jumping all over the place, never ever IN MY YEARS. i can no longer "be a guest" at your house and still won't go get my own stuff. when i join conversations, i say only what's necessary. bully to your son? he's a 240+ man whom acts like nothing or anyone can hurt him, yet you're worried about me bullying him. he say hurtful things and i'm suppose to turn the other cheek? i don't come from a male-dominant family. respect is respect, no matter WHAT your gender is.

it's just always somebody with me.