2010

i have nineteen hours until the ball drop. my last blog of the year 2010, and i would like to go over my full year with you, followers. reveal and open up to some of my memories and secrets. by far, 2010 was the most defining year of my life.
mommie, you've changed my life. i no longer have the same strut, same attitude, same life because of you. in so many ways i thank you because of it but at the same time i am upset, although i have no reason to be, i am. you left me here on this Earth, by myself, to suffer. i have been suffering through finding myself. the balance of being a matured teenager and having to fill the shoes of a grown and successful woman. finding a new path in life because the one i had was shattered, i've lost my footing so many times this year. taking steps back to only have to take a million steps forward. changing my mind constantly and making sure i am making the right decisions. because unlike others who have shoulders to lean on and arms to fall in, i don't. one mistake can cost me my living and i can not afford to lose that. who am i to turn to? with the hard came the good, i became a better young woman, sexy and classy with the love of socializing and beauty. Missy J. Dollface. Mom, she's beautiful, strong and confident in her step. She's a browner version of you. She's fulfilling to the eye and holds her tongue and strike intelligently. Mommie, she's BADD AS HELL. i know i'm talking as if you haven't been watching me, you know ALL of this. but i still feel a sense of comfort letting you know directly, i guess. with my ups and my downs i have found friendship, love, and a life worth living after you.
joshua ryan sharpe. baby, I LOVE YOU. i made the biggest mistake of my life when i declined God's most precious gift. i was so against abortion but i still chose to abort you. thinking unclear and only making sure ONE PERSON was happy. but that's neither here nor there, i take full blame for your abortion. i wear that guilt on my chest and mind everyday. clearly unaware of the beauty that was growing inside of my stomach. i claimed you mine and that you should have been. then, i was so scared. now, i embrace you. you weren't my mistake and you still aren't. i am no longer muted of you, i speak of you loud and clearly. YES, I was impregnated at 18-years-old. YES, I aborted you. NO, i will NEVER EVER forget you, baby boy. you are a reason i have to better myself. to give your brothers and sister a life i was unable to give you. hope one day, maybe eight years from now you come back to me in the form of two boys. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE my "first born". i love you, peekachoo.
my friends are another reason. before 2010, i had no friends. if it wasn't my boyfriend i was in the house. now i have ladies in my life that i consider family. women i can call to go to the mall, vent to, smile with and just text. Vickie, I love her. Even through my many "fed up text messages", she listened, gave advice and didn't really judge when i was back at it. wished me the best and hoped i didn't make the same mistakes. malled with me. my twin, hands down. make-up sessions. Jour, the girl i can just facebook IM and start cursing and fussing and she'll let me get it out then talk to me. lol, the sarcastic ass grandma that i've grown to love since Rutgersfest! lol, i love youuuu betchh. Indy, my VirgoDivaaaa. i love her, eventhough we fuss, a sister is what she'll remain. most of the time, i wouldn't mind wringing her neck. but all in all, she means a lot to me. she's my partier when i really need that dance session. Leesh, Cryss, Elysaaaa, Candy. just because I didn't write a script, does not mean i don't love you just the same. I love you beautiees. with my heart and i found women to remain my friends, to be bridesmaids, godmothers and aunties. my lifetimes.
2010, you screwed me over. dealt me punches and almost knocked me square on my ass but with the help of the Good Lord Jesus Christ, I'm making it through. I almost gave up and threw in my cards. Almost decided living wouldn't matter one way or the other, but I am HERE. striding, pushing, and loving into the new year. I welcome you with boxing gloves and a smile, 2011. I can say I am almost ready to see what you have in store for me. I hope it is success, love and happiness.

for now, let's drinkkkk! ;) - happy new year!

conceited?

my boyfriend and i was on our way to Sonic when the topic of conceitedness came up. i informed him just how much i hate conceited guys and how i never pay him a compliment because his head gets gassed and i want to choke his ego 97 percent of the time. he admits he's kind of conceited but mostly conceited about his hair. *angry face*. then he flips and tells me, "i am conceited". now, i know and people who knows me know that i am thee furthest thing from conceited. i do believe i'm beautiful. i do believe i'm pretty. and thangs of that nature, but i simply don't go around flaunting how remarkably beautiful i am. it's just something i never did. so he brings up my name "Missy Dollface". it's subliminal, he says. I don't! ... I do believe my make-up portrays a doll. and i have a face. doll-face. Dollface. i never saw it as a way of saying i'm beautiful. my make-up is beautiful. my make-up isn't me. I am me, the natural me, the me with no make-up. the raccoon eyes, blemishes everywhere me. and that me is pretty. so, Missy Dollface is not Jaz and Jaz isn't Missy Dollface. kinda. my alter-ego is a bad bitch. and Jaz is a badder bitch. one way or the other, you can't go wrong with which one you date. but Jaz nor Missy D. is conceited, and if my confidence seems to portray Conceited theennnnnnnn, so be it? one way or the other, I will forever claim, preach and justify my non-conceited assness =D ...

"She's Michael Jackson bad."
Missy Jaz Dollface . <3

Christmas 2010

even though this year has been sucky for me, i am grateful for the people that I surround myself with on a regular basis. the people who helps me through my moods and don't take much of what i say personally when i'm upset. I am thankful. i can say the people i have in my life now, are my forevers.

Christmas. it use to mean soooooo much to me, I use to be so excited. but just as the excitement came, it went. Christmas meant more than gifts. it meant, waking up to my mother opening my door singing 'It's Christmas'. waking up to ALL the gifts that just appeared under the tree. sitting in the living room with the tree lights on. handing my mom the gift she really didn't care for but accepted it because that's what made us happy. her face was my Christmas, her handing me gifts with no name on them and the same wrapping and knew which belongs to which. wondering how the hell she did that? SHE was my Christmas.

Funny how childhood things come to an end, my first Christmas was when I was 9 and my last Christmas was at 18. ... psh, time flies.

I love you so Much, mommie. Rest In Peace, Christmas.

10 months, did it go by THAT FRICKIN FAST? smh

MY Christmas 2010.

lucky me.

girl: "i want to be thick just like you".

me: "really? girl, i'm fat."

girl: "NO, you're thick. when i saw you i said, i want her curves."

me: "thank you."

girl: "if my boyfriend ever saw you, he'll lose it. he loves girls thick just like that".

me: *big blush* "thank you".

last time i looked in the mirror, i saw all the places i could cut off my body. spring and summer, i was gorgeous. figured, but little. i loved it. as winter curved around, my curves got bigger and bigger to where my pokey came back and my thighs took up ALL the space in my jeans. my hips spread as though they were getting ready for a little baby. i felt so humongous. getting dressed is no longer an option. it's time to do something about it.

i walked into my favorite restaurant (Last Legg, Somerset, NJ) and she just restored all my confidence. I was wanting to be some itty bitty i could never pull off. I never knew someone wanted to be MY SIZE for a change. I never saw anyone wanting to be MY SIZE. 

too busy wanting other womens' curves, i forgot there is women AND men out there who loves my curves. Even though, some adjustments has to come, i'm still beautiful. 

ladies, love yourself. i usually practice what i preach. but sometimes, we just need that little umph to remind us, we still got it.

stay fabulous!

stay curvaceous!

STAY THE BIG BONED BEAUTY YOU SHOULD BE!

with that being said, i love me. i love you. just as you are.

naked

she removes her beautiful mask.

first, removing the stain she precisely put on her lips. first her bottom, then her upper.

she washes her face, removing the powder of glamour, the liquid of gorgeous.

she dabs a bit of her remover onto her cotton ball and wipes away the lust of her eyes.

she's bare.

simply awaiting the glance in the mirror.

she smiles.

he simply says "just as i thought, beautiful naked."

she laughs endearingly "yes, it was just make-up".

love your NAKEDness.

model: jour'jour ! <3

nomore.

when you get hurt by the one you're living for,

pain can make you want to love nomore.

if i ever was asked, "what did he teach you?"
i'll answer with, "to never give what i am unable to recieve."
i swore on the ground i walked on, on the clouds above that
i was going to marry this man.
but, it's not happening.
it's a zombied relationship. - conscious just simply dead.

i was selfless. he was selfish.
i was in love. he was in deep like.
i was vulnerable. he was shellproof.

i was so happy when i saw him.
i was so happy when i kissed him.
i was so happy when i hugged him.
when the "love" was good, it was magnificent.
i saw my life, in he was in it.

then it turned sour,
text messages came every eight hours.
phone calls wouldn't connect.
i love you's stopped.
he wanted to do his own thing.
questioning if he even wanted me there to begin with.

so many tears i've cried,
but all for nothing, i'm afraid to say.

because now, i just know.
loving him wasn't in my destiny. not my fate.
and once i can accept that, moving on won't be so hard.
first time a mistake happened, it was forgiven.
second time, he got use to me coming back.
third time, simply didn't give a fuck.
fourth time, she's gone and fed up.

... and he'll think,
did i just really let her go?

and when you's walk pass each other in the future,
he'll be the one looking back.
and you'll be looking to the side, at that man who was made JUST FOR your destiny.
patience is your own ally.
live with it, learn it, let him help you.

when you start using intransitive verbs such as was.
just give it on up now.

god bless.

that's the way love goes

Like A Moth to a Flame,

Burnt by the Fire.

My LOVE is BLIND,

can you see my desire.

That's the WAY LOVE GOES ?

SILLY. of me to think that I, can ever have you for my guy?

how I love you, how I want you. You're just a lover out to Score.

I am truly happy with if I can be with you, you make my heart skip beats,

my smile beam bright enough for me to lighten a whole continent.

I love you from a far?

Because I am sure, you'll never look at me. 

Never see me like that.

I'm not your type?

Silly of ME. - That's the way Love Goes.

POISON. you're bad for me, i clearly get it.

I don't see how something good can come from loving you.

The death of me, must be your mission, 'cuz with every hug and kiss, you're snatching every bit of strength.

Or am i just a victim of an assassin that broke my heart down?

Poisoned ME. - That's the way Love Goes.

Gotta GO, I Gotta Leave. So please don't make it hard for me.

I gave enough, i'm tired of love, I GOTTA LET IT GO.

Finally, I've realized I deserve more than you can give me.

I deserve a MAN who can treat my heart as if he's never seen anything so pure.

As if, I am the only girl in the world.

Baby, treat me the way you would want your MOM's heart treated.

With great things given, brings great things received.

But you couldn't, so it's THAT time.

I'm complete without it.

Gone ME. - That's the way Love Goes.

BEAUTIFUL.
hold her when she wants to be held.
don't yell at her when she's only trying to love you.
take her to her favorite place, more often than not.
don't take her kindness for weakness.
support her in all that she does.
don't tear her down, lift her up.
because that is the worst thing you can do to someone you love.
put her high on a pedestal.
TELL HER WHEN SHE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL !
- * -

You, I and every Girl that's wishing, deserves MORE

than what she's been giving herself.

You're a QUEEN, treat yourself like one.

First.

Before someone else even can.

THAT'S the way Love Goes.

thank you ALL, who inspired this Blog.

God Bless! <3

5 RULES for a GREAT Friendship

#5. Respect that Person.

#4. Be REAL.
true colors eventually show. you want your colors to remain bright ; nothing shady.

#3. Support them.
only with good decisions. a friend won't let you do something stupid or even look stupid. besides, that reflects them. a bird of one feather, flock together.

#2. Honesty.
if you can't be honest with your friend. what's the friendship? if you're hurt, inform them. if you need to express yourself, do so. nothings wrong with that. and if the friendship remains, it'll only grow stronger from there.

#1. Unconditional Love
if this person is your friend, you should love them. care for them. worry about them. friendships shouldn't be about "who's there for the moment". it's lifelong. these persons should be in your wedding, considered godparents. anything WORTH being there for. anything NOT WORTH being there for.

seriously, people, friends aren't toys. you don't "shelve" them when you feel so.
if this is what you do, evaluate yourself because you AREN'T a real friend.

i wanna be like those girls in the movies

every woman has an image in her mind as to what she wants her body to look like, her face to look like, her voice to sound like. every woman has a desire to become an incredible version of herself OR a version of someone else. i am one of those women, who seem to look in the mirror and find a "fixable" flaw. my tummy. yes, the poked out flab that seems to get in the way with every gorgeous outfit and every sexy skintight dress.

i adore Catya Washington's body. it seems natural. big breast, FLAT tummy and she still has her hips, butt and thighs. she's also a coco! NO, light-skinned chick here. Bedazzled! she's gorgeous. i would say most mens' dream. So let's just say, I'm really jealous. No boyfriend of mine better give her a compliment. she's the girl in the movie who have a man drop to his knees, she's the one he dreams of every night. the one who's given the Black Card every morning to spend figures. the one he liked so he put a ring on it. so flawless, it seems.

so I proceed and progress.
don't get me wrong, I still have confidence in myself. I still say I am gorgeous. I still would say I can get any guy I please. although, all these things I am a woman. and I still have my desire. I wanna be like those girls in the movies, to have a man so in love it makes him drop to his knees. the one my man would consistently brag to his friends about. let's just say women with the "full package" get the "fully packaged men".

ladies, fulfill those desires, be that girl. a better YOU.