808s & Heartbreaks

unfortunately,

2011 has been just like 2010, 808s and Heartbreaks. I seem to run into the same meaningless men with the same crazy personalities. At twenty years old, i'm not looking for my husband but i am looking for something steady, amazingly beautiful and a chapter in my life i can say was an Experience. I feel I've lived a long enough life to for once, atleast experience LOVE in its purest form, just to taste it, savior it and see if I'll began to crave it. I check up on my Facebook and it just breaks my little heart that I haven't found what so many of my "Friends" have. Someone they can call their own or their right now.

My sister says I am depressed, because all i want to do is Eat and Sleep. Getting me dress is hard, but in my mind I wear my highest heels and my cutest outfits and wish to be going somewhere. I feel like I'm a lost cause. Every year I want to progress, somewhere. It's already Mid-October and I can count 2011 off as a Wash. I just want to go to a Club in dance my pain away.

i am just going to focus on my building my brand.
focused on my life.
my weigh tloss-or lack thereof.
and how i can better me to be better for someone else.

i am just ready to settle. but with the person of my dreams.
wish me luck and positivity.

- xoMJ

pre-birthday video

GO Girl, it's ya Birthdayy! =)

CHRONICLES: Natural State

hello, everyone.

i write less and less everyday due to my two job schedule and my lack of sleep and other task in my life that needs to be done.
but i've updated you guys not too long ago on my big chop.
so far? so great, i love it and to me, that's all that matters.

but i will also like to put out there that, the fellas don't like it so much. since i cut my hair, i haven't got hit on, not once. and that's not normal. i mean, i'm just looked right over. i got use to it, i kind of enjoy it. i've been telling everyone i really need 'ME-TIME' to focus on myself. to think about myself. only. and i'm getting it so i'm gonna enjoy it. but one things for certain, when my natural locks grow all the back. please fellas, hold your tongue. still. =)

she's just a messy girl.

"sometimes peoples' opinions about me

 matters, especially when it takes you two

 years to tell me what you really think of me."

practically all of my life, people has looked at me extremely weird. casting their own judgement before even speaking to me. informing me that i was just too tall to be in the 5th grade, or was too thick to wear shorts, or i couldn't hang out with their child because i was too big, i didn't know any better because of my residential address. if you ever knew a "poor little black girl", i am the first generation of them. it wasn't only just my teachers who looked at me like this, it was parents of other children. my mother did her best she can to shield me from this type of hate. tried to explain to me why people were so cruel and didn't accept me. as time went on, i fought back or simply shrugged my shoulders and walked passed it. i was always on defense mode from then on. never letting anything get too close to me. i became a hermit, rather staying in the house. i grew up, things changed, supposedly and i moved on from my horrid childhood years. by high school, it was a few girls who "looked like me" and wasn't cast off or anything like that. as the years passed, i became the runt, the people who looked at me funny, hovered over me. i grew to love being called "shorty".

 i had a conversation with someone who's been in my life two years now and that conversation led me right back to my childhood and reminded me things never really do change. i was told that i wasn't laid back, a "chill, type of person". i was a wild child, all over the place, just someone really messy. i was too loud, i came in your house and i just ran all through it. now, this is someone's mom who's son i dated. - now i'm embarrassed, why? because i never saw myself like that. i never knew i was like that and why did it take you two and a half years to tell me what you've been wanting to tell me for awhile.

i was told that "your mom raised you well but you are just all over the place and a bully to my son. and although ya'll are good together, ya'll are better apart." now, when someone is going to criticize me and make me feel as big as an ant. don't bring my mom into this. SHE has nothing to do with this. honestly, i wanted to cry my heart out but as a DAUGHTER TO MY MOTHER i remained a STRONG young woman. 

now, let me defend my own reputation. i am not a bully nor am i messy. when i walk into anyone's home, i take a seat. i don't move, i'm not loud. when i was a child, i couldn't walk through my own grandmother's house. the only thing i was able to do was pee by myself and even if i took too long doing that i was "checked up on". so i continued that, coming in, speaking to everyone and finding a seat and sitting there. i do it to my best friend, other friends, cousins, strangers, EVERYONE. so as far as jumping all over the place, never ever IN MY YEARS. i can no longer "be a guest" at your house and still won't go get my own stuff. when i join conversations, i say only what's necessary. bully to your son? he's a 240+ man whom acts like nothing or anyone can hurt him, yet you're worried about me bullying him. he say hurtful things and i'm suppose to turn the other cheek? i don't come from a male-dominant family. respect is respect, no matter WHAT your gender is.

it's just always somebody with me.

snip snip . chop chop !

7.24.11 - the big chOp .

drama ..

... let it go.
get grown, get Godly and save your time for something that's worth it all.
"oh my God, she unfollowed me!" - really, tho? it's twitter. you MUST not be so emotionally attached to a social network that will be out of style in a few. i am confused sometimes about the "oh so grown" people in my life that still talk and act like children.

be a big girl, wear some big girl panties ...
and gossip about jobs, fashion and the economy. get aware of your surroundings and financial status. something besides "was yall talking about me?"
"joking" about true statements or jokingly say something you've been serious about for awhile - so over it.

ladies, it's becoming or already IS that time of your life where you sit down after a long day of work, school, or whatever and sip some wine and a little television. not get on youtube, tumblr, blogspot, twitter, facebook, myspace, or whatever the hell all these new social sites are these days and talk about YOUR overly dramatic problems. - ugh, stick a fork in it!

                                                                         well said, chick. >>

All About Spring!

every Spring or Summer, i go shopping and this year since my weight isn't where i want it to be, i decided to just go shoe shopping. complications there as i realized i grew a whole foot size? yeah, i doubt it. i just think i got SO fat that my foot went a size up. or the shoes are just getting narrower? anywho, i am confuzzled, i don't know what to do with myself. is this Jesus telling me to SAVE UP or is he telling me LOSE WEIGHT. one way or the other, somethings gotta give ... =/ just NOT my shoes!

now, it's that time of the year... you know, where the little creepy crawlies want to invade your privacy to make a home of their own. -____- hell no, i'm bugged out. i've sprayed the perimeter of my bedroom after this thorough ass cleaning i just did. now on to the actual house. it's bad enough i am a "germaphobe". i lost it when i saw that little bug crawling up on my mirror. i screamed as if someone just stepped on my big toe with their heel then realized they stepped on it then accidentally stepped on my pinky toe. i killed it, washed the mirror off and started playing in my makeup when i felt something crawling up my leg. looked. and jumped out of my skin. my dog thought i was after him and ran under the bed but still peeking his head to see if i was okay. that's when i went on this cleaning obsession. EVERYTHING had to go, called my partial live-in boyfriend, cursed him out then broke up with him for something he could of or couldn't of done. one way or the other, SOMEONE had to be blamed. i was never really over winter, just over the snow. i prefer cold over extremely hot, anyway. can i have that back? better yet, i'll google who's having winter right now and visit another country. =D ... fuck it. let these fuckers have the room. just DON'T CRAWL ON ME. or my makeup ... or my clothes. AND NONE OF MY SHOES! >=O

spring is here. great!

pollen . bugs . overly hot AND fat . 

summer 2011 can suck it!

who run the world ... (these) GIRLS!

talented. BEAUTIFUL and off thee darn hook African-American women.
i hated this stupid ass song SO MUCH ... UNTIL i saw them, now i can just listen to it all day, via this video of course. lol

i'm moving to Atlanta to dance for Sean Bankhead .

fake? say who?

"ladies, you can't go around saying you

real

if you wear

fake nails, contacts, weaves, & a load of make up.

it's not the way it is, sweetie."

- @AYOkimosabe

i don't agree with the above statement, AT ALL. what people seem to not understand is the difference between ghetto, real, fake and natural. this is what my lovely, very beautiful and well put together blog is here for. to break it down, help you understand the bullshit that is coming out of YOUR mouth. now now, sit tight and listen. - HUSH. - before u make any noise or sudden movement to help your argument.

i wear acrylic (plastic ass) nails. green, gray and blue contacts. all types of 12-22 inch weaves. and make up (not tons, but enough). and thee FURTHEST thing i am from is FAKE. i keep it 110,000,000% real, i don't lie or bullshit anyone. you want your feelings hurt, heart broken or simply put, the truth? come to me, i got it for you. "my accessories" don't make my mentally or personality fake. just because my accessories aren't something i'm born with doesn't mean i am fake. i just like to enhance or sometimes look different. although, i love the NATURAL, beautiful me, i do like to jump out the box. be able to say "oh, i want to have blue eyes with this outfit." and have the resources to have my BLUE ASS EYES. and in my defense, i do not wear all my FAKENESS at once. 

the weave, contacts, nails, and make up all at once. dramtically. can be GHETTO...as all hell. Fake? well, yeah of course. but that individual person ain't fake. some of the ghetto-est ass people are the realest motha-effers. head full of horse and caked on make up, but her opinions, attitude and personality is real. and if you are so au naturale you'll tell your ghetto ass friend to not do so much. right? right! natural girls tend to be the most snottiest of females. irks my nerves sometimes. just because you don't get perms, but still straighten your hair with a flat iron, or you don't wear tips or make up or whatever for all that matter. hush. because at one point in your life, you WAS that girl. and just because it's not something YOU do doesn't make it wrong for someone ELSE to do. jump out of your box, stop pointing that plastic-Less finger and make yourself God-worthy since you're pretending to be Him.  

FAKE. ain't got to be the whole person. maybe what they wear is fake. but they (AS A PERSON) can be one of the realest people you've EVER met in your life. the au naturale girl who's chemical or enhancement LESS can be the same girl bestie frienny in your face but covering her mouth to your enemy's ear within the same hour. *shaking my head* check your stats. 

shit that glitter, ain't always gold. you HAVE TO DO BETTER.

- no, i am not directing this BLOG TO THAT PARTICULAR individual.

btw, if you didn't know i had a twitter (@xox_MJ) *mwaaa.

happy mother's day to MY mom

hey ma,
never really gotten use to talking to a tombstone, i believe i don't need to visit you HERE if i already talk to you HERE *points to heart*. i'm convinced you aren't quite happy with my decisions in life because so far i haven't been basing them on my OWN life. it's been about others for so long that i am completely tired. drained. with people and life itself. i'm sure you don't want to hear that kind of talk from me, but it is what it is. as you know, life has been extremely hard since you left and i believe it'll continue to be like that for a very long time.
but how's AFTER life been with you? *nervous chuckle* just some humor i've created to get pass a lot of the bullstuff. you know how i've been. i wouldn't mind some responses back. but i guess i'll have to wait for that through dreaming. it's been a minute since you came to me in those, what's up with that?! i clearly wait to have one with you in it but you've been M.I.A. i guess you giving me time to get my stuff together, huh? yeah? i kind of figured. no love lost, of course.
but today isn't my day, neither is father's day. it's apart of the calendar but just like valentine's day and even christmas, who says I have to celebrate it?! *folds arms stubbornly* yep, thats how i feel!
let go of anger? i have none. SIMPLY put, i just don't like people. and i hold no one responsible for my choices because i let it get like that. but still, i'm sure people do these things to me because i have no parental support. so I let them get away with it. i have to be my own parent, become stricter. yes, i agree!
well, let me be on my way to getting my life in tip top shape. =)
this conversation was great, i'll let you get back to it. i know your busy in AFTER life, *kicks rock nervously* more corny humor.
ok, i'm done.
this time? next year? GREAT! i'll be looking forward to it.
i love you, beautiful. rest in peace! <3

excuse our crazy moments that we absolutely live for.

i love my girls.

the end.

<3

hating?

"sometimes i think you be hatin'."

on what?
on who?
and, most importantly, WHY?!

never needed to.
don't want to.
and never will need to.

especially when it comes to the partying and FASHION and boys.
ending this blog with a ... FOH! <3

and that's why you're beautiful...

i gotta secret that i need to tell ya.
i do not look in the mirror. - psh, sounds like bullshit to me, EVERYONE looks in the mirror. right?
when i look into the mirror, i focus on one particular thing at a time.
my eyebrows.
my nose.
my lips.
my hair.
my shoulders.
my butt.
my stomach.

but never at ME.
i've heard time out and in, that "you're beautiful, ma." "my little sister is sooooo pretty." friends, potentials, boyfriends, parents. but i can only say i believed it sincerely from about two people in my life thus far.
once a month, i LOOK in the mirror to see ME.
it's a hard two minute gaze. my entirety.

i see beauty, once every two months or so.
whether my hair is in knots, my lips are chapped.
i still see beauty on the OUTside of ME.
from the thick but well groomed eyebrows to the short eyelashes on each eyelid.
from my dark brown eyes and light brown streaks to my high cheekbones.
from the point and width of my pretty big nose. =)
from my very large, pout-like lips to the very natural lip line.

today, at 9pm, i looked myself in my mirror and said "and THAT'S why you're BEAUTIFUL". and meant it with every muscle, bone and nerve in my body.

it's Friday, trash goes out.

a break-up is one of the hardest things to overcome when you're in love. i can't even equal a break-up to death, a break-up is harder. hard to believe, right? well, that's my thoughts.
especially when you put so much time, effort, love and money into this "creation" it becomes like your child, apart of you.
now, that day has come, where the loves faded to a dim light. talking through problems becomes yelling through problems to not fixing them, at all. negative emotion build and neither can take it, anymore.
as a girl, i did my cry-outs, my down days and now I feel I have nothing to cry about it. it's his loss! not only will he FOREVER remember me, but time and time again when that light faded, he brightened it by going away and coming back and reminding himself, i am the BEST HE EVA HAD. but for me, this time, I AM putting the trash out. not trying to be disrespectful or anything, it's just my metaphor. i am happily content in where i am right now. not because, i know trash is recycled and you're bringing it back in your house in the form of a piece of paper or a plastic bottle to be used all over again. but because this time, i don't want no parts of this recycling business and i want fresh parts! i deserve to pay that extra $5-$10 to get the greatest shit, why not?
i did all that i could for this relationship, i bent over backwards, forwards and to the side as far as i can and without recognition. i am a strong woman, i am a fine woman, and i do not need the likes of a man who has a golden egg who will bring him golden chickadees to treat her like a rotten egg and throw her wherever he is not. most times, i usually don't care for breakups. so far, it's only been two that took me a while to get over.
so today is Friday, and around my way. Trash Goes Out. ; i'll be setting my bags there and walking away ... for good.

oh, great. february!

february.
the month i hate the most.
i can say as soon as the calendar said Feb 1, 2011, my body dropped and my smile turned upside down. how can i be upset when Valentine's Day and Black History is this month? well, i lost two very precious people to me. my mother February 25, 2010 and my son Joshua February 9, 2010. i don't have much to say, surprisingly and i doubt i'm going to have much to say this month. i haven't been in the mood for school, work, friends or people for that matter. i can't take off a month, so suck it up? i guess so, big girl style.
pray for me.


cuz this shit sucks.

hair is hair, right?

i am looking for a change, you know, something new. fantabulous, even.
my hair. yeeaaa, i want some color, some blonde. some red. some brown. even maybe a streak of green?
big chop or fierce cut?
eventually, i'll want weave and wear it consistently. that'll defeat the point, completely. i feel my head is too big for any of it. my sister and friends are saying get the amber rose cut. it'll look good. but i don't know, i want to badly.
dreads?
as pretty as some are and tempting, i'll be snatching them things out of my head in no time. and if anything i'll want the smaller one, i looove the style people have with them but how long will be before i have every style and every look and color. i experiment, and it'll be a year by the time i get every possible hairstyle in color.

i don't know, still researching and soul searching. finding something that'll satisfy this craving. on a budget! ... i don't know, we'll see.
opinions are welcomed. =)

fashion queen?

#1. you are NOT a fashionista wearing what the mannequins in Forever 21 and Charlotte Russe wear.

#2. you are NOT a fashion diva if you always keep up with trend! ... style isn't based on what's in, it is based on how fierce you wear them.

#3. every fashionista knows your clothes compliment you, not make you. your confidence and POISE makes you.

#4. a fashionista designs her OWN look, everyday. and doesn't have to dress up EVERYDAY. most fashionistas wear jeans and t-shirts, only because they excite themselves that they can look PERFECT any day of the week.

#5. fashion trends come from the FASHIONISTA who dared to walk outside looking how she feels not someone who copied the look.

#6. fashion is always and always will be, O R I G I N A L I T Y ! - embrace, your own!

#7. designers will respect someone who will wear a striped shirt and a floral print skirt, patterns. before they respect someone who looks like someone else. fact.

the list can go on for days, but i prefer to stop here. embarrassing people and reminding them that they aren't who they wish they can be is not what i am here for. but i want people to step back and take a look at themselves. i've been a fashion bomb since i was 8-years-old, believe it or not. i took sketching classes, sewing classes at a TOP FASHION SCHOOL by the time i was 13-years-old, Fashion Institute of Technology. i wore sweatpants, regular jeans and just a simple top everyday i was there and blew away my teachers, recommended to come back each year to continue and study there when i graduated high school. Fashion stopped being my highlight, it's such a competitive career to take, your time on top is limited if you aren't consistent. i needed for sure money, living off a dream would NOT secure my family from going broke. so fashion took the backburner in my life and "i got real". although, fashion is always apart of me, in my nature, and i can kill it and look better than you on any given day, i prefer to save my fashion risk-tasking (fashionista, trendsetter, etc.) for my fun days: prom, sweet 16's, engagement parties, bridal showers, bridal parties, weddings, and ALL thangs of that nature.

fashion will always be my number one love, fashion will always be your paste & copy.
learn the difference, then you can really call yourself a fashionista.
but that is all.

xox_MissyJ.

let's save some money!

most of my life i've paid for my girl treatment

• doobie shop
• nails & toes
• eyebrows

when all this time i could've been learning and skilling how to do my own hair, nails and toes and they all grow and prosper successfully. now, money's really short and hair, nails and toes can't get done every week or two. i refuse to walk around here looking like who shot john, so my bestfriend and i came up with a solution, do your own. duh, missy! so, i will be investing in some rollers, a dryer and save about $80 a month on JUST HAIR. well, it's a plan, now let's just find the time to perfect the problem. so i can do this shit in my sleep.

my nails and toes, well this is a different story. i get tips. and those, starting price is $25. design? add 5, well missy being missy HER designs are $10. toes? $15-$20, depending on where you go. well, problem solver? invest in a nail&toe kit, i already have a foot massager. mind as WELL, right? thats saving $100-$110 a MONTH! ...

thats a total of $190 a month! i'm so disappointed in myself for spending this a month. yea, somethings gotta change. NOW.

well, let's get to it. i'll keep you updated and post some pictures here and there.

let's save some money ! =)

miss independent

at first, i didn't want to write this because i wanted my first blog of 2011 to be more uplifting. but it's been weighing on my mind for a few days now. last night only confirmed my thoughts. so i knew this just had to be it.
i must admit, for me to be so "independent" i am so relying on others. i always want to be with some ONE. my ladies, my boyfriend even as far as my dog. needing some other organism around me. but now more so, i want to learn to be ALONE. completely. just myself and my thoughts. learning new things, creating new hobbies, keeping organized, keeping connected to my love of fashion & volleyball, and self-satisfaction. i feel if i can accomplish this, i can be my greatest self.
yes, i've accomplished a few goals. but where's my hustle? my drive? my go-getta attitude i had all my life?
where did this shelled me come from? listening to my friend Amber talk about her hustle, "fuck these niggas" attitude and her self-improving attitude, gave me my drive back. she helped me see what i've been struggling to see for so long "it's all about Y O U". she stressed how i'm too grown. never cry over spilled milk, meaning:

• no man!
• no job
• no let down!

i use to be so wrapped up in my boyfriend, it usually being about HIM and US, but never ME. giving up what i love to do to be with him. so worried about him and what every other guy might think of me. instead of me simply not caring. i'm not saying he forced me, and he isn't a bad boyfriend. it was my OWN choice. but he's obviously been doing his thing, keeping himself tight and right. why should i stop my own tight&right quest?

• hair
• nails&toes
• bartending <3
• gym!!
• make up artistry <3333
• waitressing
• relationship with God
• learning french, spanish & italian.

self-improvement! it's more than a resolution. it's a way of life. Missy J is BACCKK to stay!
thank you to my strong&powerful girls. i love you ladies. and no matter where you go, you'll ALWAYS be in my heart. i'll always be a phone call away and i love traveling. <3
Jazz. Indy. Jour. Amber. Cryss. Candice.